One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do was accept the inevitable silence that envelops our human experience.  It haunts us, even in moments of triumph and laughter-- the silence is lurking, plotting its campaign.

Despite how far you run away from the silence, you can never outrun it.

As an introvert, I long ago made peace with being a loner.  I negoitated the silence as pockets of necessary introversion, where I was alone to construct my thoughts and deconstruct my emotions.  However, as I continued living, the silence expanded into every area of my life.  One by one, my friends and family were quieted, disappeared, and what remained with a foggy veil of silence.  Silence can easily be translated as freedom, as a neutral ground that eagerly anticipates what I shall say.

What shall I say?

I feel I am going to a place spiritually where ppl have gone before, but not enough ppl have gone to create a language.  There are so many inarticulate experiences that can only be felt directly or telepathically. 

I in silence.  I'm at a place where I can't speak.  I'm can't say where I am, and that's very difficult for me... I've always be able to synthesize my experience in writing.  But, as I said, the silence has leaked into all areas.

I got another letter from my fans saying they wanted to read more interesting facts about me.

lol-- I'm teasing.  I don't have fans!  I have friends.  Or ppl who tolerate my silliness, and don't mistake my playfulness for arrogance.  And I was tagged by one of them, the honorable Alex Chua of whom I truly am a huge fan.  Check out his pod on What the Bleep Do We Know?  It's a phenomenal community that's challenged and nurtured me.  Thanks Alex for the pod, the tag, and being friends with this simple, country girl :D

Ahem.  5 Things.  Memememe..

1. I love the Sound of Music-- it's my absolute favorite musical of all time.  I want to go to Austria (or Switzerland) and sing and twirl around on one of the hilltops.  It's been a childhood dream of mine for years.

2. I don't believe in aliens.

3. I can read Arabic, but my favorite language is Italian, but it wasn't offered in school, so I choose to learn Latin, and now the only person I can converse with is the Pope... but I'd really love to learn Mandarin Chinese although I think I should learn Spanish, since I live in Texas-- and I've actually tried to learn Spanish for the last 10 years, but seemingly can't speak it fluently.  That was intended to be a run-on sentence btw, highlighting my remarkable use of English. lol  Which should be remarkable, since it's my first language.  Perhaps I need to get a bf who can speak Chinese.

4. Let me explain that last sentence. lol  I've learned the languages of every bf I've had, or at least memorized the Berlitz approved phrase book of said language.  My fresh ex was British, so that doesn't really count-- but by the same token, I kinda Madonna-ed it a bit, and mysteriously found myself using phrases like "a bit" lol and "bob's your uncle", and now "Are You Being Served" & "Ali G" are a lot easier to understand!

5. I'm the one who pulls up to a stop light with the music REALLY REALLY REALLY loud, and vibrating.  The catch is, sometimes that music is 50 Cent, and sometimes it's Frank Sinatra.  And sometimes it's back-to-back.  You should see my playlist!


Now, I pass the torch to these lovely folks:
Stuart
The Daily Buddha
Monisha
Akeem
Eric

Hi!!!

This time I was tagged by the lovely Nicole
Well, I was (and am) excited to share with you 5 more "fascinating" facts. lol


1. When I was younger, my favorite number was 6.  After (mis)reading parts of the Bible, I quickly decided to change my favorite number because I didn't want to be associated with the Mark of the Beast (666).  Yeah.. but I still had a secret longing to claim it as a favorite.  I still can't do it though! lol

2. Since we're taking about evil, I loved the Smurfs.  And, when I was 23, I wanted to buy a Smurfs T-Shirt but my sister talked me out of it because she said I'd be advocating demons.  I still can't buy it. lol

3. I'm not as religious as I seem.  I grew up in a small-town church (cult-lite) where women couldn't wear make-up or trousers.  I appreciate it for teaching me discipline, but it was far off the mark in many areas.  The other day, a friend asked me when's the last time I was at church, and I honestly couldn't remember.  It's been over two years.  Not that I'm bragging or anything! :D

4. I'm really REALLY frugal.  I've been known to pinch a dollar until it hollers. lol  but recently, I've amended my frugality and am splurging more on things that I want... still can't buy that Smurfs T-Shirt though. lol  (Yeah, it wasn't all about the moral content.  it was also $29!)

5. I spend hours and HOURS shopping-- not because I'm buying so many things but because I'm deciding on if I should spend the money.  It's painful-- trust me! lol  Literally, over the weekend, I was debating over whether I should purchase a $3.99 DVD or the $1.99 VHS tape.  The tape won at the end. lol


Now, I tag:

Ninja
Beth
Oren
Joshua
Littlefish

Hi y'all! :D  I've been given the omnious task of listing 5 things that you don't know about me.  This will be really cute, 'cause I have no idea what I'm going to say-- I'm a bit unpredictable. :D

1. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a Scientist, a Psychatrist, an Architect, a Supermodel (of course lol), and a Mother.  Those have been my only aspirations and I've vowed to be at least one of those before I die.

2. I lucid dream.

3. While we're on the topic of dreams, my dreams are also "prophetic".  I've had so many warning dreams in my life-- about me and others.  But I generally don't talk about a potentially prophetic dream because no one ever believes me.  And, then after the incident has occured, I say-- I dreamt that! And still no one believes me. lol

4. I wanted to marry Oscar the grouch from Sesame Street.  I was so in love with him.  He'd only break my heart though...
Side-thought: am I the only one who didn't realize he was homeless until I was an adult? lol

5. Being a member of Generation X, I learned my world view from Cartoons.  In examples, I learned to appreciate classical music from Looney Tunes, I learned that Russia was evil from Rocky & Bullwinkle (cold war era), I learned that the French were smelly romantics who didn't get the point (Pepe LePew), I learned that Blacks were entertaining pets (Rolfe from The Muppets).  Now, I'm *not* proud of a lot of these things-- and I've amended most of these things, except for the French thing, which is true.  lol-- I'm just joking.  I kid!  But, I'm just proving the point that I was really brainwashed into my stereo-types by something as innocuous-seeming as cartoons.


I hereby tag these ppl:

Debby
T@ll Guy
Jane
Frederik
Boz

I suppose since I have a blog, I should write in it.

For some reason, recently, I've been itching to write.  And I have no idea what it should say.  I suppose I should talk a bit about my evolution.

It's a few days from my birthday.  I'm reflecting on how greatly I've changed in the past year.  Last year this time I was in a dead-end situation.  I honestly couldn't see myself ever leaving that situation.  I was desperate and tired.  Now, I've revolutionized my life-- and it wasn't without tears and heartbreaking, and dramatic exits in airports, and feeling dead inside.  It was brutal, but I got through it and today, I'm much better in all ways than I was.  Although I'm alone for Christmas, which wasn't the case last year, I feel content and free.  Sometimes being in the company of others stifles one from being who he should be.  You know, one can become so loyal to the misery of a situation that it becomes who he is... and parting from that pain (even though outsiders looking in would say that's only logical) is.. in fact the hardest thing.  We're creatures of habit.

Well.. I intend to create new habits.  I intend to be the best Kyo that I can possibly be.  Whenever feelings of jealousy or negativity flood in, I remind myself that all I must do is be me.  I can't be anyone else.. and me trying to be another person only steals from humanity.  However you'd like to look at it, my consciousness is necessary in the grand scheme of life.  And although I can die tomorrow, the world is forever altered by the seemingly insignificant actions I took today.  That's why it's imperative to fulfill my part in this human evolution.  I heard a quote once (I think on The Secret) that said... we are the universe becoming conscious of itself.  If that's the case, and if we're indeed individuals, we shouldn't try to be a paradigm* of another.  It's paramount for the continuation of our development that we demand to be ourselves, and be that the best way possible.  It's those ppl who've stood apart in history, because they weren't the masses.  They were.. bold and brave enough to work it!

Well.. I think I'll meditate on that for a while.  Let's remember to bless each other with smiles and presence. (not presents, btw .. lol  i just noticed the possible pun there..)

*I just said paradigm because I've been reading Dilbert a lot lately.. and it's an on-going joke. :D

I saw the Secret and it changed my life.

I've got to give a head-nod to Alex Chua because he's a light bringer, and he brought me this wonderful Secret gift.  But it's not a secret.  Everyone can have it, and everyone can benefit from it.

Go here:
http://video.google.ca/videoplay?docid=6862002847956530561

It's the movie for free online.
Absolutely amazing, will change your life if you let it.  I can't say enough good things about it, but in all of the words I can choose to use, nothing would top seeing it for yourself.


well, what are you waiting for?

It is necessary to follow a path of peace with all men.  This is the most difficult thing for me, and yet the easiest.  I struggle because I see imperfection and possible perfection in everything.

One of the most life-changing ideas I've ever read was in a book called "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.  You'll see me refer to that book often.  In it, Williamson says of forgiveness that you're not offering someone absolution because you're superior to them, but rather you are seeing that they are perfect at their core, and don't need forgiveness.  You recognize that the other person has made mistakes based on the fact that they are not aware of who they are, but who they are is powerful and perfect.

This idea totally revolutionized my life, and I'm still trying to live in the magic it reveals.  The idea that we're all perfect has not been the easiest idea, but it is filled with truth.

My problem is that I hate ppl.  Well, that came across a bit raw.  Let's refine it.  I hate how ppl allow themselves to respond to life.  But, upon further investigation, I realized that ppl responded in that way because they were hurt, and scared, and feeling desperate for validation, and in some twisted way, they received encouragement to continue.  I always believed ppl were much better than they allowed themselves to be, and I could see clearly the potential in a person.  Weighing a person's potential against their "reality" caused such anxiety and disappointment in me.  I refused to believe that ppl would prevent themselves from living the life they were meant to live.

What I've learned about ppl is that everyone I become disappointed in is just a mirror to my own disfunction.  Everyone is here to teach me a truth about myself.  The battle is within, although I struggle without.  I am combative with harsh words, unhospitable attitudes, frowns, impatience, and glaring anger.   I may not hit, but I bruise with my words.

I did that today, and I was mistaken.  It came from my own fear and hurt, and insecurity. 

What I understood clearly in that moment is that I wasn't following a campaign of peace.  I wasn't at peace with myself, and it manifested in me being hateful and hurtful toward another.  It is my belief that following peace with all men begins with being at peace with yourself.

How to be at peace?  I've been meditating recently, and that peace begins on the inside... in the silence of the moments.  It's when I stop rapidly finding defences.  Meditation is the inquiry into the true self, and in it, you don't actively try to stop your thoughts, but rather to seek the quietness that lies in between each racing thought.  In order to be done effectively, you simply don't focus on your thoughts.  amazing, they slide away without difficulty.  For me, meditation is peace.  peace is the silence in between the thoughts.  finding peace with all men means resting in that silence with everyone.

I'm not there yet, you must believe me.  But, I'm actively trying to stop gravitating toward the defensive thoughts that have in previous times ruined my sense of perfection.  Self-perfection and perfection in others.

But one thing you must know about me is that I'm so definitely trying.  Being in love with everyone takes a different sort of consciousness that I've not yet attained, but somehow know is possible.